Brazilian, Bikini or Bush?

“Do you know what it’s like to not know a single thing about yourself, and it’s all your fault?” ~Lifetime, What She Said

When you have the same partner for years upon years, you get used to the way each other look naked. You cater to what their likes and dislikes are to keep the attraction alive. At least that’s how I rolled. When that relationship spans a decade, you completely stop paying attention to what the single kids are doing and focus on each other. As you should. Then when that relationship ends, the thought of a new person seeing you naked for the first time hits you. It can be jarring along with exciting and terrifying…depending on how you feel about yourself.

For me, I thought…oh shit…I have to do this first time thing all over again? Naturally, I began to express these concerns to my sister while picking myself apart. She immediately squashed that hate talk as a good sister does. Seriously though, I felt so out of the loop on what was happening in the single world in terms of nakedness. What were guys and gals into these days? I took it to the streets to ask folks and find out. By streets I mean brunch. And by folks I mean my best girlfriends.

They informed me the trend with young, single ladies was full on bald vaginas. My response? “Bald? Like having sex with a prepubescent child? Guys are into that? I don’t think I want to have sex with someone who finds kid vaginas attractive.” Naturally the conversation snowballed into who does what waxing and how often. Then came the stories of pain and horror. Here are some of those stories:

  • One friend left halfway through a Brazilian because it hurts so bad. The woman said, “What about your husband?” My friend’s response, “Fuck him!” What did the lady do? She patted her vagina and said, “You remind me of my daughter.” I mean…
  • One of my friends had a new esthetician performing her Brazilian. She noticed the woman make a face and then add more wax to a layer she already applied. When she tried removing, something wasn’t right. More wax was applied. When she tried removing it again, pain. Full on pain, and the wax wouldn’t come off. The esthetician left and brought someone else in the room. Apparently she left the wax on too long and kept adding more thinking it would warm up the wax below. That’s not a thing, and my poor friend was the victim of her terrible troubleshooting. She was left to endure some severe pain getting it off.
  • One girlfriend’s feedback was short and to the point. “Oh. It’s fucking awful.”
  • My last bit of advice was, “Yeah. It sucks, but you get used to it.” I could deal with that.

Despite these horror stories, the newly single me wanted a new look. It became clear I had some vagina decisions to make. I have a high pain tolerance, but how much could I handle in my swimsuit area? What kind of esthetician would I have and would she cross some weird territory into comparing my business to someone else’s? Will she be ok walking me through my options? Turns out yes, and I hit the jackpot. She’s the best! I checked around for some recommendations, and I received the same one from a couple people. I made my appointment…

I should note I was in the height of my sad turning to anger stage of healing from my divorce, so I wasn’t really a terribly happy person at the time of my first appointment. I was confused in all aspects of my life, so I naturally overthought this experience. She couldn’t have been lovelier. She talked me through my awkward questioning and settled on a plan. It was emotionally painless. It was not hair removal painless. Breathing techniques were involved. Some relationship venting was involved. All was good, and I felt pretty damn great once it was all over. Actually, I sort of felt like a badass. It’s hard to believe I look forward to having a spotlight on my vagina while hair is being ripped off every few weeks, but I do! That’s the point of self care, I guess. If you consider ripping hair from your most sensitive area self care. Which I now do. (It’s also the result of my kickass esthetician.)

It’s worth a try if you’ve never done it. Us women are tough cookies so don’t think for a second you couldn’t handle it. Also, I read somewhere that the bald trend is going away. Good. I have no interest in sleeping with you if you’re into that.

Author: Penny Lame

I can find humor in almost everything. These are my stories.