Am I 20 Years Ago?

 “…Just don’t let me fuck up will you; cause when I need a friend it’s still you.” ~Dinosaur Jr., Freak Scene

With the recent passing of my dog, I had to find ways to keep myself busy because not having my best bud around is pretty heartbreaking at times. My choices have been to spend time with my family and start assistant coaching volleyball. It’s been pretty rad. Much like my mindset when I got divorced, I am making choices in this healing process and fresh start in my new city that fall along the self-care lines and focusing on the things I like to do. Why? Because going off the deep end still isn’t helpful to me. I do allow myself time to cry and have moments of feeling lonely and friendless, but then I quickly turn back to healing. I also agree with the notion that if you want to meet someone with your same goals in life, you have to do what you love. I don’t want a party lifestyle, so why would I go to a club thinking Mr. Right is going to be waiting there for me hammered at 2am? He’s not.

Here is what I’ve noticed. In the last two years my choices have slowly brought me back to the person I was before I ever met my ex-husband. I don’t just mean I got my confidence back. I mean, I’m participating in things and living with the outlook I had at 23. There are so many similarities, it’s almost freaking me out. Here are the similarities:

  • I’m in the volleyball world
  • I have almost daily and constant contact with my sister
  • Even though I don’t live in the city as any of them, the friends I am in most contact with are the same (with a handful of rad friends I scooped up along the way in Chicago)
  • Working in a job where writing and project management is the main component
  • Still going to punk shows (and always will)
  • Sometimes drinking wine during the week…not sure I should have brought that back, but…I’m not going to overthink it.
  • Always having wine on the weekends
  • Running
  • Reading any chance I can
  • Single with no prospects in site but don’t care enough to start trying to meet anyone

With the exception of no roommates, this was me at 23. If you add in school, this was also me in college….and high school. (Holy moly…that was about 20 years ago! Also, yes, you did the math. I started drinking way too young. I’m glad social media wasn’t a thing in the 90’s.) This revelation begs the question – am I regressing, or did I know who the hell I was early on in life? I think the answer is I knew who I was all along. I’m me again with the addition of life experiences, lessons I hadn’t had yet and the best people I know in my life. When I say “me again” I mean back to doing what I love and communicating with people I care about the most in this world. Holy shit you guys…life is about to get super awesome! For me…maybe not the next crop of bozos I encounter. Muah ah ha!

Going through hard times blows. There is no other way to describe it. But here’s the thing, life doesn’t stop because you had a bad day. If you do your best to pull yourself out of bed most days, put clean underwear and pants on, then you’re doing better than you think. Eventually, you’ll come out of the bad times. They’re temporary. Eventually, you’ll crack a smile. You’ll start to have some good moments that lead to good days. Then two years later (well, two years for me that is), you have the world at your disposal. Pretty damn awesome. Don’t forget to hug your friends and family who helped you keep your head above water. They deserve some credit. Now go outside and go live!

Author: Penny Lame

I can find humor in almost everything. These are my stories.