Go With Your Gut

“Here’s to you, the same chords that I stole from a song that I once heard. The same melody I borrowed from the void. I’d rather observe than structure a narrative. The characters are thin; the plot does not develop. It ends where it begins.” ~The Menzingers, Burn After Writing

I’ve been told this many times since being single, and I’ve been reminded of it several times since venturing into the online dating world. My gut sort of knew the deal when creating my profile…this is not going to be for me. So far I’m right. I’m not into this at all in terms of meeting and finding a boyfriend. I am, however, extremely entertained by the comments and profiles I’ve come across.

This isn’t exactly a shocker, but dudes are aggressive behind their computer screens! When you move past those weirdos, you see and read a lot of hilarious stuff. Here are some of my favorites:

  • I saw a man’s profile picture that was part his face (serious look, long, curly hair) that faded into an image. That image was a cartoon-like waterfall. He looks like Axe Body spray smells.
  • I’m convinced a couple dudes used their mug shots. There is no other explanation for their pictures.
  • A surprising number of guys take their profile picture in their cars. Thumbs down for the bad angle. Thumbs up for their use of seatbelts.
  • Group pictures. These are confusing. I never know who the dude is until the third or fourth picture. Almost every time, once I figured out who the actual profile person is, I thought his friends were hotter.
  • CrossFit. Unless they don’t work out at all, CrossFit seems to be the single guy workout of choice.

The messages…these have been both creepy, boring, confusing and funny. It occurred to me that guys don’t really have to be creative and use pickup lines anymore. They get to take time, use their brain and edit buttons before hitting send in hopes of grabbing your attention. With all of that in mind…they still come with some terrible and lazy notes. I made a rule to not respond to anything that just says “Hey. How are you?” I’m guessing they keep doing this because they get responses. Here are some of my highlights so far:

  • Hey. Let’s giggle and wiggle? (It made me laugh, but no way am I setting the bar that’s ok.)
  • I see you like to cook. Where do you buy your groceries? (Um…what? Either he’s a creep, or he doesn’t really understand how asking a woman where she grocery shops can sound. Also, really? That’s the question that came to mind when you read my profile?)
  • Hey. I’m looking for something to do before the ice storm hits. Want to meet up? My treat. No strings! (No dude. We’ve never spoke and you want me to meet you somewhere before an ice storm hits potentially leaving me stranded with you. Sounds safe.)
  • This next one requires some back story. I had been messaging back and forth with a seemingly nice and funny guy. When he suggested we meet, I was unavailable that day but offered another day. His response was passive aggressively mean and ended with him thanking me for my “generous offer.” He actually put quotes around generous offer driving the point home. I stopped communicating. He has sent a couple messages since that are now in the trash.
  • You left Chicago and the Cubs finally won the World Series. Any correlation to that? (Ugh. I realize he was trying to be funny. It’s just not funny.)
  • Hey. When I first read your profile, I thought it said you didn’t want to date a guy with kids, but I guess I read it wrong. (What on earth do I say to that?)

Part of this might be on me. I’m not sure how to properly conduct searches to weed out the clear mismatches. Part of me is still fighting this process, and I’ve been relying on the searches they automatically send to me. I don’t reply to most messages sent my way. I only reply if I truly think I would want to meet this person in real life. I don’t think this is fun, so using it as a tool just to pass the time is a waste of time. I don’t want my time wasted so am trying not do that to others. I’m trusting and going with my gut. My gut says chill and be selective. In the meantime, I’ll keep keeping an eye out (since I paid for it) and cross my fingers for no dick pics.

New Year, New Me?

“So this is the new year, and I don’t feel any different. The clanking of crystal. Explosions off in the distance. So this is the new year, and I don’t have any resolutions for self assigned penance. For problems with easy solutions.” ~Death Cab For Cutie, The New Year

I hate this phrase. I really do. I only hate it because it’s bullshit and most people only half mean it. You have 365 days in the year to start over. You don’t have to wait until a specific date to change your life, your attitude, your shitty friends, your weight, your love life, etc. I do understand the sentiment of their being a light at the end of a 12-month tunnel. I get it. Sometimes it seems like life has taken a huge dump on you for consecutive months, and you’re looking for any sign of hope that your stretch of bad luck, dullness, boredom…whatever…is maybe coming to an end. I’ve been there. I might even still be in that boat a little bit. That being said, any day can be the day you wake up and change what you don’t like about your life. You don’t have to wait until 12:01 am on 1/1.

How did I spend my first day of this new year? I spent it like I spend most Sundays. I had a small headache from drinks the night before, and then I went for a run. I did some meal prep a couple days before. This isn’t new. I’ve been doing this on and off for the last two years. I just finally had some time off from work to get my life organized. Are you still with me? I know. How mundane and boring…for now. (Yes. That’s right. I just hit you with some foreshadowing.)

I’ve been in KC for three months, so my “getting settled” stories have faded. I am still trying to make friends, so I didn’t really have any crazy or funny stories to tell in the break room at work. I like having stories to tell. I didn’t make any resolutions other than saving more money. I know. BORING! At 8:34pm on 1/4, I resolved to change my situation. I decided, after 10 months of being afraid, stating what I think I would feel or do if I online dated…to actually find out. I can’t believe this is my life right now, but I finally broke down and joined the online dating world.

I’ll tell you what. So far…it’s just as ridiculous as I thought. Also, I realize I am not a selfie picture taker. While not helpful in my impromptu decision to create a profile, I’m pretty proud of that. I had to really search for photos, and I came up a little short in my opinion. My poor sister has to take some of me this weekend. I have been creeped out four times in the last 12 hours, which I feel like is a respectable amount of times. I mean…think about it. If no one was creeping me out, I’m not sure if I would feel safe or if I was doing it wrong. If I am putting up pictures even creeps didn’t want to creep on…is that sad or good? I have no idea! I am not scared for my personal safety yet, but I do feel ok with the level of weird I’ve seen so far. Wow. What a rollercoaster! Here are the odd things I’ve heard so far:

  • “Your profile caught my eye (I only have one), so I thought I’d say hello.”
  • “I’m sure you have gotten plenty of messages from dirty old men asking to be your sugar daddy or rent you an apartment.”
  • “If you’re not wanted from the law or recently escaped a mental institution, maybe we can get a drink.”
  • “Hi. How are you?” (This isn’t creepy. I just don’t know how to respond other than honestly saying, “Really uncomfortable.”)

What will tonight bring? Lord knows. I need to grow a pair and actually engage in conversation now. Baby steps, I guess… I did get one message that I feel comfortable responding to. After I go run in the snow after work, I am going to have a glass of wine, type something and hit send. Maybe… Is this real life?