That Time I Went On a Date with a Pussy

“Movies like zoos. Try another me and I will try another you or put my arms around you like I think you want me to. But tell me what you’re thinking I so often misconstrue.” ~Nada Surf, Treading Water 

When you’re going through a rough patch in life, sometimes you don’t always make good decisions. You’re sad, you’re angry, you’re lonely, you’re scared and full of resentment…a terrible mix of emotions. At times like these you really shouldn’t be making any decisions. But, you do. Sometimes those decisions come from a place of determination to get out of this shitty spot you’re in. You need something, anything to jump start a new phase. So much so that you agree to go out for drinks with a guy dressed like a cat.

Sad me thought: Well, this will be hilarious. Why not? He’s probably a good time. Meeting up for some drinks will be easy and painless. Up until now you’ve only been asked out by your Uber drivers, so…screw it.. You’re going. You’ve been so nervous about being nervous, this is the perfect chance to put yourself out there and get that long overdue first date out of the way. (Nervous about being nervous, you ask? Yes. This is my thing. I take nerves to new heights.)

So you go. You will be correct about ONE thing. This is the best type of person to rip the band-aid off if you are someone who gets nervous about being nervous. Why? Because deep down you know there is no way on this planet this is going anywhere. You can screw this up so hard, and it won’t matter. You can shake the first post-divorce pseudo-date out of the way. That way, when an actual man of substance and potential walks through the door, you’ve already got some of the jitters out. Perhaps it will make you feel better that you are trying to put yourself out there. When the 100th person asks if you started dating yet, you can finally answer YES.

He showed me a picture himself and pointed out his crotch. Actually, it was more like he zoomed in on his crotch and said, “That’s all me.”

You will be wrong about EVERYTHING else the sad version you thought this night might be. It is not easy. It is not painless. That tool in the cat suit is a tool in human people clothes, too. The night went like this:

  • He didn’t have a plan. I had to help make the choice of where to go on the date. (Not the worst thing, but I like a man with a plan.)
  • His friends “randomly” made an appearance pretty much within three minutes of me sitting down. (Although, can you really blame him for being concerned about my mental state? I agreed to go out with him while he was wearing a cat tail pinned to yoga pants…)
  • I realized I made a mistake making these plans as soon as they started talking. I was just sad and this seemed like it could be a good time. He was dressed as a hilarious cat! Wait…it wasn’t hilarious. It’s kind of weird now that your head is a bit clearer…
  • I had a drink with him and his friends (a couple) because they sat down. I was between him and the couple seated at a bar while they talked about things personal to their friendship. I clearly didn’t have much to say being that I didn’t know these people. I barely knew the cat. My best contributions were:
    • “Oh yeah? That’s cool.”
    • “Sounds like that was fun!”
    • “What? I’m sorry. Did you say you went to see Fall Out Boy?”
    • “Should I just get the next round of drinks or…what’s the plan?”
  • His friends paid for that round of drinks before they finally left. I guess they felt comfortable knowing I’m not the weirdo in this situation.
  • We had another drink.
  • We went to another bar.
  • He let me buy that round of drinks.

That about sums it up. Just kidding. There’s more. Throughout the night he made the following comments:

  • He showed me a picture himself and pointed out his crotch. Actually, it was more like he zoomed in on his crotch and said, “That’s all me.”
  • He told me how big his bed was. This was not a euphemism. California King.
  • Assuming I was going home with him he made the comment, while laughing, that I guess we better find out my thoughts on abortion!
  • When I tried getting to know him and talk about something of interest to me (running), he told me I should try running after smoking weed.
  • He told me he had a bottle of chilled champagne at his house. He loves champagne. It’s his favorite! He is so excited there is finally a champagne bottle emoji. He sends it to his friends all the time.
  • He made a lot of bizarre comments that gave me pause. I couldn’t tell if they were homophobic or just him being confused about his sexuality. My response each time was, “Huh.”
  • He doesn’t like “basic” people. (Can someone explain this to me? I’m still confused on this one.)
  • He has so much fun being him. I mean, his life is awesome.

Hoo boy! Being in a bad space can cause you to make some poor judgments. This was one of mine. When you are so focused on trying to get out of your rut, you tend to overlook some red flags and people you would normally stay far, far away from. You justify it as being a new experience, as trying to be open-minded or taking a chance. It’s ok. Don’t beat yourself up. And if after your uncomfortable experience, you make out with him anyway to rip that first kiss band-aid off, too…don’t beat yourself up about that either. You were trying your best to help yourself. You’ll snap out of it. And, when you do, drink a bunch of wine and laugh while you tell everyone about it.

Author: Penny Lame

I can find humor in almost everything. These are my stories.

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