Go With Your Gut

“Here’s to you, the same chords that I stole from a song that I once heard. The same melody I borrowed from the void. I’d rather observe than structure a narrative. The characters are thin; the plot does not develop. It ends where it begins.” ~The Menzingers, Burn After Writing

I’ve been told this many times since being single, and I’ve been reminded of it several times since venturing into the online dating world. My gut sort of knew the deal when creating my profile…this is not going to be for me. So far I’m right. I’m not into this at all in terms of meeting and finding a boyfriend. I am, however, extremely entertained by the comments and profiles I’ve come across.

This isn’t exactly a shocker, but dudes are aggressive behind their computer screens! When you move past those weirdos, you see and read a lot of hilarious stuff. Here are some of my favorites:

  • I saw a man’s profile picture that was part his face (serious look, long, curly hair) that faded into an image. That image was a cartoon-like waterfall. He looks like Axe Body spray smells.
  • I’m convinced a couple dudes used their mug shots. There is no other explanation for their pictures.
  • A surprising number of guys take their profile picture in their cars. Thumbs down for the bad angle. Thumbs up for their use of seatbelts.
  • Group pictures. These are confusing. I never know who the dude is until the third or fourth picture. Almost every time, once I figured out who the actual profile person is, I thought his friends were hotter.
  • CrossFit. Unless they don’t work out at all, CrossFit seems to be the single guy workout of choice.

The messages…these have been both creepy, boring, confusing and funny. It occurred to me that guys don’t really have to be creative and use pickup lines anymore. They get to take time, use their brain and edit buttons before hitting send in hopes of grabbing your attention. With all of that in mind…they still come with some terrible and lazy notes. I made a rule to not respond to anything that just says “Hey. How are you?” I’m guessing they keep doing this because they get responses. Here are some of my highlights so far:

  • Hey. Let’s giggle and wiggle? (It made me laugh, but no way am I setting the bar that’s ok.)
  • I see you like to cook. Where do you buy your groceries? (Um…what? Either he’s a creep, or he doesn’t really understand how asking a woman where she grocery shops can sound. Also, really? That’s the question that came to mind when you read my profile?)
  • Hey. I’m looking for something to do before the ice storm hits. Want to meet up? My treat. No strings! (No dude. We’ve never spoke and you want me to meet you somewhere before an ice storm hits potentially leaving me stranded with you. Sounds safe.)
  • This next one requires some back story. I had been messaging back and forth with a seemingly nice and funny guy. When he suggested we meet, I was unavailable that day but offered another day. His response was passive aggressively mean and ended with him thanking me for my “generous offer.” He actually put quotes around generous offer driving the point home. I stopped communicating. He has sent a couple messages since that are now in the trash.
  • You left Chicago and the Cubs finally won the World Series. Any correlation to that? (Ugh. I realize he was trying to be funny. It’s just not funny.)
  • Hey. When I first read your profile, I thought it said you didn’t want to date a guy with kids, but I guess I read it wrong. (What on earth do I say to that?)

Part of this might be on me. I’m not sure how to properly conduct searches to weed out the clear mismatches. Part of me is still fighting this process, and I’ve been relying on the searches they automatically send to me. I don’t reply to most messages sent my way. I only reply if I truly think I would want to meet this person in real life. I don’t think this is fun, so using it as a tool just to pass the time is a waste of time. I don’t want my time wasted so am trying not do that to others. I’m trusting and going with my gut. My gut says chill and be selective. In the meantime, I’ll keep keeping an eye out (since I paid for it) and cross my fingers for no dick pics.

Author: Penny Lame

I can find humor in almost everything. These are my stories.

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