“We’re traveling destinationless with an open ticket for a one way trip. Free of any expectations. Careless while they crack that whip.” ~Samiam, Super Brava
I have spent a lot of time talking about relationships and dating the last several months. After taking time to get settled in my new life here in Kansas City, I noticed a shift on my single lady world view. While there are many times I feel like the odd man out…there are quite a few perks to being alone! In my home, I get to do the following:
- TV – I don’t have to watch any shows you like. Only my shows. It also means I don’t have to be embarrassed about the amount of crime shows I have recorded on any given day. Woot!
- Music – I never have to give anyone a turn to pick a song. Whatever mood I’m in, I get to pick the songs to match. No one has to be annoyed by my choices, and my mood isn’t ruined by yours. This is heaven to me.
- Food – It’s all mine. It’s there because I like it. There is nothing I don’t like in my refrigerator or pantry. If there is no food, that’s on me. I’m forgiving. I never open the refrigerator and say, “Who ate my ___?” It was me. I ate it. If I don’t remember, I still ate it…just while I was drunk. Winning!
- Pants – They’re always optional.
- Naps – I can take them whenever I want. No one is depending on me, so…night, night.
- Ice cream and peanut butter – If you ever find yourself at my house do not eat out of these containers because I eat directly out of them. If I know you’re coming to stay with me, I’ll buy “guest” options for you.
- Things – I never have to keep track of anyone’s stuff but mine. I wish I had a dollar for every time my ex asked, “Hey, have you seen my __?” Balls. I always wished he would finish that question by asking me if I knew where his balls were.
- Bathroom – I don’t have to share it. I can take as long as I want, or not, getting ready in the morning.
- Space – I can spread my stuff out to every closet rack, shelf, drawer…it’s pretty sweet.
- Time – I have the option to spend it wherever and with whomever I want…or not. I can watch Snapped all day and no one can say a damn thing.
Those are just my short list of things I have begun to truly appreciate about my life. I’m not sure why I didn’t cherish this stuff before, but I do now! Now that I see the up side, I’m going to be very careful about who I let disrupt this peaceful place I’m in!
“I won’t say your name. You know who you are. I’ll never be the same again now – no way. I just want to say thank you for playing the way you play.” ~Descendents, Thank You
This is the time of year where most folks are reflecting on the things they’re thankful for in life. Families will go around the table saying things they’re thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner (the most honest answers always coming from the kids who say things like cell phones, video games and presents); teachers are forcing students to write thankful notes with illustrations to take home to their parents; some people who have so much will feel grateful for nothing because they’re selfish assholes while many people with minimal luxuries will state they’re just happy to be alive with a roof over their head. Reasons for what you’re thankful for and why are immeasurable. With that in mind, here is my mixed list of emotional and material things I’m thankful for this year and well…all years, really:
- Family. I couldn’t have gotten through this year and to my current state of happiness without their support. Period. Their levels of support have been so high that sometimes I didn’t feel like I deserved it.
- Friends. Same thing. I picked a shitty life partner, but I picked incredible friends. Being able to laugh at my lowest point is something I owe to their efforts.
- Mascara. Without you I look like death.
- Bed. I love my bed. If my arms were wide enough to hug it, I would. I would have gone to court over my mattress in my divorce if it wasn’t assumed mine.
- Pets. I miss my dog so much still, but I am grateful for the time we had together. I have two cats that are stepping in where Chopper left off. They lay where she used to and make sure I have a snuggle buddy. Thanks, super cats!
- Books. The ultimate brain escape for me. I have too many on my “to read” list, and I’m happy with that problem.
- Cell phone. Yeah, that’s right. I made fun of the fact a kid would say it, but I’m saying it, too. That sucker lets me stay in constant contact with my friends and family, so yes…thank you iPhone!
- Kind strangers. Most days I see people being polite and doing nice things for other strangers like holding the door, asking them how their day is going, giving them a compliment, not being an asshole and letting them merge onto the highway…all kinds of little things. It makes me smile on the inside and feel like perhaps the world hasn’t totally gone to hell.
- Dateline. Thank you for never letting me get a false sense of security. Seriously. I’m starting to think I need to follow your suggestion and stop watching alone.
- Music. Of all of the material things I own in this life, I’m most thankful for the joy music brings into my life. It’s rare I don’t have music on at home, in my car or at work. If it’s not on, I have a song playing in my head or will think of one while in a work meeting. Someone will inevitably say something like, “just blame it on finance” to which I immediately think (but don’t say out loud) “how about we just blame it on the rain?” Then I smile and people look at me weird because they didn’t hear my awesome joke.
- You. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this ridiculous blog.
This is my short list. I’m thankful for so much more. I didn’t even get into wine, beer, jokes… Full disclosure, Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. (My favorite, favorite is Halloween. Costumes, candy and creeping yourself out? Yes, please.) Thanksgiving forces folks to take time to truly stop and reflect on the positive in their life, and that’s exactly why I love it. The focus is on food and being present and thankful with whomever you are sharing a meal. AHH! Food! How did I leave that off the list?
Seriously, though. Go tell someone who has helped you, thank you. You’ll make their year.
“Before I met you, I had a few who hung around and made me blue. But I was always looking, I was always looking. Weeks and months turned to years, hiding underneath my fears. But I was always looking, I was always looking…I was always looking for you.” ~Dum Dum Girls, Always Looking
I get asked this pretty often. Typically this question comes after being asked why I’m still single, if I’m interested in dating and if I’ve tried online dating. (Most likely due to my lack of effort. Yes. No.) I never really know how to answer this because I’m attracted to all kinds of men for different reasons. If you lined up my ex-boyfriends and ex-husband you would notice they look nothing alike. Not a single one looks remotely like the other. What they do have in common is they were all immature party people. Most were funny, and they thought I was funny. That’s about it. So…I guess my type until now has been someone I was attracted to with the maturity level of a 22-year old and a good sense of humor. Cool. (If you’re not sure…yes, I’m being extremely sarcastic with the use of the word “cool” in that single-word sentence.)
You’re probably thinking, really? There isn’t a particular type of guy you go for? No. It’s hard to pin down into words, so I’ll just list celebrities and athletes I’m crushing on:
- Carey Hart (Congratulations, Pink. If we met I would high-five you for landing that.)
- Common (His face and that voice? Swoon city.)
- Mike Matheny (One of my best guy friends also has a crush on him. We text about it when the Cardinals are in the playoffs every year.)
- Charles “Peanut” Tillman (I once saw him run and move a female reporter out of the way from one of those flying cameras on the side of the football field. I was completely jealous of her. I also just recently saw him exit a plane in Kansas City. We made eye contact, I smiled like a love-struck teenager and waved like mad. He chuckled at my excitement, smiled back and nodded hello. Meet your crushes, kids.)
- Conan O’Brien (How do you not have a crush on him?)
- Brian Fallon (You listen to his music and read his interviews then tell me you didn’t fall victim to having a crush on the lead singer. I wish you the best of luck…)
See what I mean? I didn’t want to further confuse you by adding Jeff Bridges to the mix, but he’s in the mix.
Being the queen of overthinking, I decided to get my thoughts around this, and the only conclusion I can come up with is…stop picking dummies. Instead of telling people what I’m attracted to physically, I’m going to start saying things like…
- My type is one who does not think waking up before noon is early…especially when he’s almost 40.
- My type is a guy who has a career and not a job he has no intention of using as a launching pad to a career.
- My type is a guy who is not just funny but kind. Actually kind to the core. Not fake nice because he wants to sleep with me.
- You can’t like Nickelback. I’ve given this so much thought…and I just can’t with you if this is a thing. For a brief period I was trying to be open to this, but that door closed.
- My type is a guy who has moved on from the party phase of his life. He still has fun, but he has also has fun doing things outside of a bar. He doesn’t drink until he can’t function anymore. I don’t have to carry him home because he can’t function alone or starts drunken arguments (or both). This is just a for instance….this totally didn’t happen to me nearly every weekend in my marriage…
- My type is someone who likes kids. Even if he doesn’t have any or want any…don’t be an asshole. It’s on the same level as being rude to anyone in the service industry and being a bad tipper. I mean…you might as well like Nickelback.
- My type is someone who is happy.
I think that’s a decent list, don’t you? I’m hoping this weeds out the dummies I seem to attract while keeping the door open for the wide range of men I’m attracted to. Now that I have my priorities in check, I guess I better start making an effort, eh? I might have to start warming up to this online dating thing…son of a…!!
“…Just don’t let me fuck up will you; cause when I need a friend it’s still you.” ~Dinosaur Jr., Freak Scene
With the recent passing of my dog, I had to find ways to keep myself busy because not having my best bud around is pretty heartbreaking at times. My choices have been to spend time with my family and start assistant coaching volleyball. It’s been pretty rad. Much like my mindset when I got divorced, I am making choices in this healing process and fresh start in my new city that fall along the self-care lines and focusing on the things I like to do. Why? Because going off the deep end still isn’t helpful to me. I do allow myself time to cry and have moments of feeling lonely and friendless, but then I quickly turn back to healing. I also agree with the notion that if you want to meet someone with your same goals in life, you have to do what you love. I don’t want a party lifestyle, so why would I go to a club thinking Mr. Right is going to be waiting there for me hammered at 2am? He’s not.
Here is what I’ve noticed. In the last two years my choices have slowly brought me back to the person I was before I ever met my ex-husband. I don’t just mean I got my confidence back. I mean, I’m participating in things and living with the outlook I had at 23. There are so many similarities, it’s almost freaking me out. Here are the similarities:
- I’m in the volleyball world
- I have almost daily and constant contact with my sister
- Even though I don’t live in the city as any of them, the friends I am in most contact with are the same (with a handful of rad friends I scooped up along the way in Chicago)
- Working in a job where writing and project management is the main component
- Still going to punk shows (and always will)
- Sometimes drinking wine during the week…not sure I should have brought that back, but…I’m not going to overthink it.
- Always having wine on the weekends
- Reading any chance I can
- Single with no prospects in site but don’t care enough to start trying to meet anyone
With the exception of no roommates, this was me at 23. If you add in school, this was also me in college….and high school. (Holy moly…that was about 20 years ago! Also, yes, you did the math. I started drinking way too young. I’m glad social media wasn’t a thing in the 90’s.) This revelation begs the question – am I regressing, or did I know who the hell I was early on in life? I think the answer is I knew who I was all along. I’m me again with the addition of life experiences, lessons I hadn’t had yet and the best people I know in my life. When I say “me again” I mean back to doing what I love and communicating with people I care about the most in this world. Holy shit you guys…life is about to get super awesome! For me…maybe not the next crop of bozos I encounter. Muah ah ha!
Going through hard times blows. There is no other way to describe it. But here’s the thing, life doesn’t stop because you had a bad day. If you do your best to pull yourself out of bed most days, put clean underwear and pants on, then you’re doing better than you think. Eventually, you’ll come out of the bad times. They’re temporary. Eventually, you’ll crack a smile. You’ll start to have some good moments that lead to good days. Then two years later (well, two years for me that is), you have the world at your disposal. Pretty damn awesome. Don’t forget to hug your friends and family who helped you keep your head above water. They deserve some credit. Now go outside and go live!